can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
