i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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