$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
