fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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