my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize