I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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