Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
