I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
