there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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