Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
