Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
