dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
