If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
