my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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