hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
