life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
