I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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