In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
