dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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