I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
