I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
