My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
