Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
