How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
