Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
