i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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