I feel like abortions should bother me more
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
