I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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