I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
