Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
