I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize