If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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