so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
