Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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