You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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