Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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