I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
