So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Welp...herpes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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