I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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