omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
