My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
