'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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