He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
