We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You made out with two different species that night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
