I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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