I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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