She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
