i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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