dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
