I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
