I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize