If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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