Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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