if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
