So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize