Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize