Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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